A bit less happy

[ayalanya]

It's hard to tell myself that it's okay if I make a bunch of things that won't be sold for a year. I lack time without distractions in a major way. Today Elizabeth didn't even nap, and is still up, trying to steal Scott's ice cream. The basketball game Scott was watching is finally over, but the post-game press conference still causes him to ask me to crane my whole body around to look at the TV from my computer/work chair (or get up and walk over, depending on which I decide is less distracting) approximately every thirty seconds. While I'm trying to do work. Goddamn it.

I have to decide between the following when I have any free time:

- housework
- payable future work
- sewing appropriate garb to enable payable future work
- napping (which I did today, and regret)
- office work (that I'm still in charge of, somehow)
- payable current work
- relaxing
- maintaining personal connections with people I care about
- eating.

I worry that I'm alienating people with my desperate attempts at hauling myself and my "business" up to the level of income-producing. I crave social contact but find it overwhelming more often than not. Usually I'll multitask: while watching E, I can eat, I can do certain kinds of housework, and I can sometimes do office work. While I'm sewing I can relax, kind of. But the production of jewelry, the napping and the personal connections bits are all-consuming; I cannot do more than whichever I have chosen to do. Which is part of why I have half a pair of elf ears sitting next to me and no plans to finish tonight; kid and partner are both taking my attention away and now the time I had over here has disappeared. Kind of going around in circles trying to work out what the hell I'm doing, and the only solution I can think of is daycare or a babysitter, because I was apparently wrong about Scott's understanding of what I need out of childcare.

I am just tired of everything. I could really use some time alone.

Comments

[rivenwanderer]

Oof. *sympathy*

I don't find business posts annoying, but then again I'm one to talk :p

I forget, do you belong to any Etsy teams? The metalsmiths one I'm a part of is very supportive of each other. It might be helpful to have a bunch of people to talk to who are or have been in a similar place wrt work/life/kids/business-bootstrapping overwhelm (though I know you're already feeling overloaded with social).

[ayalanya]

I don't yet! Hmm. Perhaps I should go for that...

Anyway, thank you. I'm dealing with some really bizarre mood swings, and sympathy/support is really awesome right now. Also feedback re: business posts! :)

Suggestion

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

When you're feeling a little flushed with energy, put together an Alanya-to-go pack. Maybe even a couple of them. One that has all of your work supplies, and another that has all of your relax supplies. When Scott is home and you want time away, then you go on a walkabout. If there is a local public library around, I bet they won't mind if you use their space. Hell, they often are tickled pink to have someone teach classes in their space with prior arrangements made.

Kid and Scott will want your attention when you're there. They love you and enjoy your company. Kid and Scott will default to you, since you are Kid's primary caretaker. If you leave, it forces them to learn how to bond more. And you get your time away.

Re: Suggestion

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

This is a fantastic idea for certain times, when what I need is space to create - but when what I need is time alone, leaving the house guarantees that I won't get it. I'll definitely be giving it a try (and thank you! I didn't think of libraries as a place to set up a workspace), but I've also asked Scott to just take Elizabeth and leave the house at some point this week. Right now what I need is time alone so I can either do things without interruption or get some relaxation in. Maybe get my head straight. As I mentioned to Scott last night, it's starting to feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of experiment to see just how crazy I'll get without any time alone at all, and the results are coming back pretty crazy.

Re: Suggestion

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

I'm confused. Why does leaving the house mean you won't be alone? You know how to drive, right?

I'd like to add to my suggestion; you make your arrangement with Scott a regularly scheduled event. Saturday afternoons (or whenever) Scott and Kid go do X, Y, or Z together. That way they get used to Their Time and you'll know every week when you can expect some time alone.

PS...I'm glad some of the original post was helpful. :)

Re: Suggestion

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

I asked him yesterday if he'd be willing to make it a regular event, and he gave me a sort of noncommittal "we'll see" sort of answer. My impression was that he and Elizabeth had a fantastic day out, and I certainly had everything I needed, so I'm hoping it will become somewhat regular.

As far as driving and time alone - I can't tell how serious you are there! Are you closer to the introvert or the extrovert end of the spectrum? I don't consider driving to be alone time, because it still involves interaction with others on the road. I still have to worry and think about others.