ayalanya: (Default)
[personal profile] ayalanya
It's hard to tell myself that it's okay if I make a bunch of things that won't be sold for a year. I lack time without distractions in a major way. Today Elizabeth didn't even nap, and is still up, trying to steal Scott's ice cream. The basketball game Scott was watching is finally over, but the post-game press conference still causes him to ask me to crane my whole body around to look at the TV from my computer/work chair (or get up and walk over, depending on which I decide is less distracting) approximately every thirty seconds. While I'm trying to do work. Goddamn it.

I have to decide between the following when I have any free time:

- housework
- payable future work
- sewing appropriate garb to enable payable future work
- napping (which I did today, and regret)
- office work (that I'm still in charge of, somehow)
- payable current work
- relaxing
- maintaining personal connections with people I care about
- eating.

I worry that I'm alienating people with my desperate attempts at hauling myself and my "business" up to the level of income-producing. I crave social contact but find it overwhelming more often than not. Usually I'll multitask: while watching E, I can eat, I can do certain kinds of housework, and I can sometimes do office work. While I'm sewing I can relax, kind of. But the production of jewelry, the napping and the personal connections bits are all-consuming; I cannot do more than whichever I have chosen to do. Which is part of why I have half a pair of elf ears sitting next to me and no plans to finish tonight; kid and partner are both taking my attention away and now the time I had over here has disappeared. Kind of going around in circles trying to work out what the hell I'm doing, and the only solution I can think of is daycare or a babysitter, because I was apparently wrong about Scott's understanding of what I need out of childcare.

I am just tired of everything. I could really use some time alone.
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ayalanya

August 2012

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