May. 22nd, 2011

ayalanya: (Default)
It's not exactly that I'm never on Livejournal (or Dreamwidth), it's just that Facebook's format is so much easier for things that I can post in under five minutes. If you don't happen to be friends with me on Facebook - or you don't read much there - you might miss a lot of my life, and I might miss a lot of yours. I really hope this eventually changes, but I'm still flabbergasted by how busy I feel, how little I can concentrate for any real length of time, and how I can't seem to prioritize tasks when I have more than a few minutes to work with.

Not sure where we left off here. Let's see. We went down to Florida at the end of last month for Miss Babybutt's first birthday. It was interesting and weird. Got to spend time with some of the people we wanted to see, but didn't get to see any of my Floridian friends except for those made through work. I almost miss living there, except for the traffic. It was madness after living in TN for so long.

Elizabeth is growing like a weed. Scott is working ridiculous hours, and we're just trying to find balance between our jobs (if you can call my work a job at this point) and raising this kid. I find it kind of pathetic how overwhelmed I am by simply being in the same room as my child. I can't do any paid work with her in the house unless Scott is here to watch her (or she's napping), and even then it's massively difficult. Housework is challenging when she's awake. Basically I feel like I can't get anything done, and I almost never relax, even when doing things that used to relax me (such as making jewelry). This feeling often prevents me from even starting things, based on the idea that I will be interrupted fifty times before it's finally done, so I'm exhausted before I even start and then I'm even more stressed out because I didn't do what needed to be done when I had the chance. The house is a mess, my workspace is a mess, and I'm a mess. I feel like I must be some kind of weak-willed person, unable to function smoothly just because of this tiny person in my life. And come on, I've had a year to adjust, shouldn't I be able to do this? But the reality is, I never get a break. I am never alone. If she is in the house, I am not relaxing, and that gets exhausting. There is no one - no one - I can give her to in order to get even an hour without another human being in my presence. Scott does not take her out when he's watching her, ever. We don't yet have our income built back up to the point where we can hire a babysitter again. I'm going insane, and it's coming out in awful ways and not at all helping to keep our relationship good. I've been trying to simplify my life too, as much as possible, and have been pushing to smooth the little wrinkles in my psyche so at least I don't have to worry about my brain trying to eat me. Yeah, that's not going so well.

Things are on the upswing though, for now. I think I have managed to get through to Scott regarding what I need out of childcare. He's going to be assuming even more of the office duties soon, probably, because we don't agree on the notion of paying me for it, and frankly my self-esteem does not need an unpaid job I don't even like. What the fuck happened here? This was going to be a happy post. Okay. Happy things from here on out.

- Today we went to the local ren faire. It's way better than the one in Florida, and like King Richard's Faire, it appears to be a permanent fairground! There's even a castle in the vicinity, and you can take tours.

- E and I wore fabulousness of my own making. I sewed the most complicated dress I've ever constructed, and it was amazing. I made it out of a skirt I'd made years ago, which only looked good with midriff tops (not gonna happen now). For Halloween last year I made E a dress out of the leftover fabric, but never put her in it (except for a photo op). So we matched and looked really fantastic. I also wore a necklace, and plain silver elf ears. I don't yet have a (good) picture of the ones I wore, but they were way better than the style I'm linking to here. Anyway, so I handed out a lot of business cards, and am going to apply to vend next year, as soon as applications open up.

- Did I say that loudly enough? I'm going to try to vend at a faire! An entire booth of my own stuff! There's going to be a lot of work before I can even apply; they require a picture of the tent you plan to use and garb you plan to wear and other such things. Luckily I have until September. Holy crap this could be big. Everyone (staff-wise) was completely taken with the ears, and said I might run the risk of running out.

- Scott is pretty fabulous, I have to say. He's doing a lot, and is an excellent father.

- All things considered, Elizabeth is still the best baby I could want, even when she's driving me nuts. She's opinionated, passionate, affectionate and talkative. She's *smart*. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly she figures things out. I'm counting on her eventually being smarter than either of us. ;)

I...think that's it for now, which is kind of weird, considering that it's been a month since my last post. Hmm.


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